I remember people saying to us, "You're too nice. Hollywood is going to eat you up and spit you out." I never listened to them.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

A drop of faith can create a hailstorm of success.

That man is happiest who lives from day to day and asks no more garnering the simple goodness of a life.

An athlete cannot run with money in his pockets. He must run with hope in his heart and dreams in his head.

I know the joy of fishes in the river through my own joy, as I go walking along the same river.

I did standup while still working for Johnny Carson in the mid-'60s, thus gaining the advantage of at least getting laughs from him about how I hadn't the night before.

The adrenaline of a live performance is unlike anything in film or theater. I can see why it's so addictive.

I don't need a captain's band to lead a team to victory.

I can't promise you forever, because that's not long enough.

If your desire is a 10 but your self-esteem is a 5, you'll never perform at the level of a 10. You'll perform as a 5 or lower. People are ever able to outperform their self-image.

I can see he's not in your good books,' said the messenger. 'No, and if he were I would burn my library.