I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

My home is in heaven. I’m just passing through this world.

I might be old and ugly now, but you started that way, Jack.

Business is not financial science, it's about trading.. buying and selling. It's about creating a product or service so good that people will pay for it.

By the winter of 1945-1946, the Russian peoples were being warned of the dangers from the West

If you're playing a cop in a modern film, you don't have to walk with your spine straight up and bow before a fight. There's a lot of free form of expressing yourself as an actor.

Our love will rule in this kingdom we have made.

I'm not trying to follow a set of rules and stuff. I'm just living my life.

Right now, politics follows the rules of talk radio - using conflict, tension, fear, and resentment to find new recruits.

Don't fully trust anyone until he has stuck with a good cause which he saw was losing.

I'm not an advocate for everything that rolls out of the laboratory. I'm an advocate for things sanctioned by millennia of usage.