I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I still don't know where you came from, " he says. "Some days it's like you just fell from the sky.""Some days I feel like I did." I say.

...an irresistible sleep fell deeply on his eyes, the sweetest, soundest oblivion, still as the sleep of death itself...

People do blame you for the things they do to you.

In science, you can say things that seem crazy, but in the long run they can turn out to be right. We can get really good evidence, and in the end the community will come around.

The most important things in life happen over conversations while eating.

Wonderful. What's the point of throwing a hissy fit without friends and family on hand to hear it?" -Amy Cahill

The danger of civilization, of course, is that you will piss away your life on nonsense.

To succeed, i have to believe every night, in my heart, that i am the best.

I'm timeless, I got that Dickensian, London street-urchin look in high school. I'll never be in style, but I'll always be different.

Science [is] knowledge of the truth of Propositions and how things are called.