I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Biking and love do not make sense without your personal experience

The children of God are His instruments on the earth.

Time [is] flowing in the middle of the night.

How good can we expect to be if our best player is not our best teammate

But hey, if that’s too much to ask, tell them to just become Christians—you know, the people who get to go to heaven without having to commit to anything

We have within reach, now, the attainment of almost every dream of mankind.

The Internet is the more democratic media them last times. And for being anarchical, it's open to all manifestations, artistic also.

I think we can all agree that every child's home deserves to be protected equally under the law, that there is dignity in every child's home.

The Prophet Muhammad (s) said: "Indeed, an ignorant man who is generous is dearer to God than a worshipper who is miserly."

I've been into golf, trying to get into the gym to stay somewhat fit. I've got two boys now, they're active kids.