I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Over my slumber your loving watch keep - Rock me to sleep mother rock me to sleep.

I love you as New Englanders love pie!

Whoever doesn't flare up at someone who's angry wins a battle hard to win.

I'm just calm under fire. I'm not intimidating at all.

I've been around a while. I kinda know these things.

Real suffering bravely borne, melts even a heart of stone. Such is the potency of suffering. And there lies the key to Satyagraha.

Creative people inspire me. Athletes also inspire me to come alive, especially my daughter, a competitive gymnast who works very hard, as much as six hours a day on her gymnastics skills.

Creativity is your best makeup skill, don't be afraid to experiment.

The life of your dreams, everything you would love to be, do or have, has always been closer to you than you knew, because the power to everything you want is inside you.

My highway is unfeatured air, My consorts are the sleepless stars, And men my giant arms upbear My arms unstained and free from scars.