I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Always work with/surround yourself with people who help make you a better version of you. Kindly avoid those who don't.

Once a year, she remembers that she is insignificant. Then she forgets agains, because more than she is insignificant, she is forgetful.

If you equate happiness with success, you will never achieve the amount of success necessary to make you happy.

I can't predict what songs will do to the collective consciousness.

The only riots were the people trying to get tickets.

I will never, ever regret the things I've done. Because most days, all you have are places in your memory that you can go to.

A great thing would be done if all these God-visions could embrace and cast themselves into each other; but intellectual dogma and cult egoism stand in the way.

Competition of praise inclineth to a reverence of antiquity. For men contend with the living, not with the dead.

If you want to grow in writing songs that will express the wonders of God, immerse yourself in God.

Hollywood is a challenging place; it's very easy for people to lose their heads. Fortunately, I grew up on it and I think I have a little bit of a head start.