I saw a stationery store move.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Economy is a distributive virtue, and consists not in saving but selection. Parsimony requires no providence, no sagacity, no powers of combination, no comparison, no judgment.

To get to be somebody who gets to love what they do for a living, that's so rare, and so there must be some kind of price you have to pay.

If it were a choice between me getting killed or one of my friend's kids, I would happily take the shot.

Marx profoundly affected those who did not accept his system. His influence extended to those who least supposed they were subject to it.

Seas wept from our deep sorrows.

It was the bumble bee and the butterfly who survived, not the dinosaur.

Dressage is when you put a dress on your horse. It's like putting on drag, but for horses.

If someone is getting every decision wrong, that's when you need to act, and at that point it'll be painfully aware to everyone.

I don't eat any red meat.

If I play Coachella, it's sponsored by a company - that's corporate, too. But we're playing it because we're getting paid and we want to be a part of the festival.