I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

The greatest treasures are not found in museums, but in our hearts.

Don't judge without having heard both sides. Even persons who think themselves virtuous very easily forget this elementary rule of prudence.

It's a finite and very competitive world. All large aggregations of capital eventually find it hell on earth to grow and thus find a lower rate of return.

Democracy is that form of society, no matter what its political classification, in which every man has a chance and knows that he has it.

The "difficult" female character can-and will-do the shocking, the unexpected and, as a consequence, will give your story an immediate jolt of energy. She is the character who doesn't fit the mold.

We all laugh and cough with the same language and will die with the same language as well!

Body. Soul. Mind. Sensations: the body. Desires: the soul. Reasoning: the mind.

He that will maintain that man's free will is able to do or work anything in spiritual cases, be they never so small, denies Christ.

I pretty much borrow my entire beauty regime from my mom.

If you could play, I'd play with you all night. But if I'm just playing by myself, it gets boring pretty quick.