I saw the film Pearl Harbour and it made me wish that the Japanese had bombed Hollywood instead!

Whoever called snooker "chess with balls" was rude, but right.

Snooker is just chess with balls.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

The British secret service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB

A sceptic finds Dallas absurd. A cynic thinks the public doesn't

It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.

A life without fame can be a good life, but fame without a life is no life at all.

Fiction is life with the dull bits left out.

Disco dancing is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail.

They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.

If you would have a faithful servant and one that you like serve yourself.

I acknowledge my beauty and my flaws, I do my best to keep it one hundred with the woman in the mirror so making friends is actually easy.

In justice is all virtues found in sum.

The nostalgic notion of the family orchards is lovely - all that wholesome fruit for our forebears to sit on the back steps biting into - but basically we were growing it to drink.

The way to deal with worldly people is to frighten them by repeating their scandalous whisperings aloud.

The faulty stands on his guard.

Even where there is talent, culture, knowledge, if there is not earnestness, it does not go to the root of things.

I think about the things I control and do them well.

Coach Hedge shouted, 'Let the movie star go, you big ugly cupcake! Or I'm gonna plant my hoof right up your...

Their monument sticks like a fishbone in the city's throat.