I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

As great as is the light above us, greater by far is the light within.

Lost sheep are scattered because the people who are supposed to shepherd them are not aware

Be diplomatic and let them know how it would be a pleasure to assist them in any way you can

Reality confronts man with a great many musts, but all of them are conditional the formula of realistic necessity is You must, if and the if stands for man's choice

Most strong players are completely self-centered.... They are blind to how other people feel or else simply don't care.

It is astonishing to realise that the human species survived hundreds of thousands of years, more than 99 percent of its time on this planet, with a life expectancy of only eighteen years.

The hour of noon has passed,' said Judge Fang. 'Let us go and get some Kentucky Fried Chicken.

There is much to be said for exotic marriages. If your husband is a bore, it takes years longer to discover.

Love in the form of longing and deprivation lowers the self regard.

I want to play golf, practice and not do much else. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I hate going places where you have to yell at someone who is about a foot away from you.