I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Only the best thoughts is good enough to carry you throughout today's journey.

My personal definition of confidence is to keep believing that the stars in the solar system are actually watching and applauding you.

Any use of the names of Eric Garner and Michael Brown, in connection with any violence or killing of police, is reprehensible and against the pursuit of justice in both cases.

The genius, wit, and the spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.

What counts most is finding new ways to get the world down in paint on my own terms.

Chronic disease like a troublesome relative is something you can learn to manage but never quite escape.

I think L.A. gets a bad rap. L.A. is the same as everywhere else.

Any time you have questions when you're watching something, it's good - it makes you want to watch more.

A pessimist is somebody who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

The common perception is it only happens to people who aren't paying attention.