I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

...chance is sometimes a wonderful accomplice in crime.

I can't say why people lie; they just do. Everyone has their own reasons for not telling the truth.

When one side or the other predominates, there's an imbalance and there's unhappiness.

I'm pretty fast with a camera when I have to be. However, I think it's irrelevant.

belief is necessarily something false that diverts and suffocates effective production

There are infinite modes of expression in the world of art, and to insist that only by one road can the artist attain his ends is to limit him.

I like the theater enormously, but I truly love films - the whole bizarre, boring process that it can be.

That’s the reason, as your congressman, I hold the holy Bible as being the major directions to me of how I vote in Washington, D.C., and I’ll continue to do that.

I am the god Apostolos. The Harbinger of Telikos. The Final Fate of all. Beloved son of Apollymi the Great Destroyer. My will makes the will of the universe. [Apostolos / Acheron Parthenopaeus]

The world, although well-lighted with fluorescents and incandescent bulbs and neon, is still full of odd dark corners and unsettling nooks and crannies.