I smoke occasionally, but it's not a part of my routine. I mean, I don't need it.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

Lara Jean, why do you have to remember every little thing? It's not healthy.

Truth is more important than modesty

He that fights and runs away Will live to fight another day.

I believe in status symbols.

Keep calm and pass me the ball.

The things we like best are either illegal, immoral or fattening.

It's bizarre that the produce manager is more important to my children's health than the pediatrician.

If you actually do cold readings, it's very close to how people actually talk, because you're experiencing these thoughts anew every moment, and trying to make them come out coherently.

There is always death at the end of your plan and life at the end of God's plan.

Growth and momentum are what a startup lives on and you always have to focus on maintaining these.