I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Life is unbearable pain.

I think goals should never be easy, they should force you to work, even if they are uncomfortable at the time.

I do happen to have a good life... But I also like to work. I feel like I got the brass ring and I got very lucky in this.

World only has two things: Things you can eat and things you can no eat.

I should not regret a fair and full trial of the entire abolition of capital punishment.

At any moment solitude may put on the face of loneliness.

The more we help others, the more we help ourselves

Because dying for God is a higher pleasure... than living without Him.

A day for toil, an hour for sport, but for a friend is life too short.

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.