I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

When will the deathOf Death ever come?from "The Siege

Rather than the strength it takes to not lose, it's the strength to stand back up after a loss that is sometimes more valuable.

Well, in order to become a grown man, in order to become significant in my family and significant in my children's life, I had to learn my lessons.

Please,' she said, 'You're so beautiful. You may eat me if you like. I'd rather be eaten by you than fed by anyone else.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

As a designer it's not my job to make people like me - I just want them to like my clothes.

You want baby daddy to be one step ahead of you. Which they can't be, so it's a weird thing to ask for. But I have.

The cool part of being an entertainer is getting the opportunity to get your feet wet in all areas.

If you ever were bullied, you always remember that feeling.

Nations need to understand their own strengths and weaknesses, and India's tradition of dissent and democratic debate is a positive aspect.