I spend most of my free time under the house.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

In order to fight off fear we must become it. When we become one with fear we become one with opposite of fear, peace. They are two halves to the same object.

Man, in the collective sense, is the hero of science. Man, in the collective sense, is the hero of Earth.

French people should be prioritised clandestine immigrants get 100 per cent refund on healthcare while two-thirds of French people can't afford medical help. Charity begins at home.

If your desires are not great, a little will seem much to you; for small appetite makes poverty equivalent to wealth.

The past but lives in written words: a thousand ages were blank if books had not evoked their ghosts, and kept the pale unbodied shades to warn us from fleshless lips.

This programme to stop nuclear by 2020 is just crazy. If there were a nuclear war, and humanity were wiped out, the Earth would breathe a sigh of relief.

Differentiate with value or die with price.

People have been so busy relating to how I look, it's a miracle I didn't become a self-conscious blob of protoplasm.

...never try to follow another's path for that is his way, not yours. When that path is found, you have nothing to do but fold your arms and the tide will carry you to freedom.

Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.