I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

The institution of teachership is there for this reason, that the learner must learn how to learn.

I am grateful to the Lord for blessing my path as a writer.

Everybody's got one killer story. It doesn't take talent to tell that story, it just takes experience.

Of course great hotels have always been social ideas, flawless mirrors to the particular societies they service.

There is nothing truly serious in life. All words sound hollow when one listens to them carefully.

All I care is what the boys at the forks of the creek think of me.

I really love the piano and I feel very fortunate that I am able to play and travel all over the world as my career.

And that one is gone. A home run for Mickey Mantle! How do you like that?

Faith makes all evil good to us, and all good better; unbelief makes all good evil, and all evil worse. Faith laughs at the shaking of the spear; unbelief trembles at the shaking of a leaf.

Few persons comprehend the power of ugliness.