I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.

Well, when you're playing good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then you're not really playing good football.

To me, it's just that social media is allowing people to be in charge of their own narratives.

I'm an artist at heart.

There are things that can only happen through you when you are still. Silence is often the most important work you can do.

I've never, ever, raised a fist to anybody in my life.

No mind is much employed upon the present; recollection and anticipation fill up almost all our moments.

I was weeping again, drunk on the impossible past.

Demonstration, similitude & harmony are objects of reasoning. Invention, identity & melody are objects of intuition.