I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

When you're directing something, you absolutely have to be involved in all layers of the process.

Bury me on my face," said Diogenes; and when he was asked why, he replied, "Because in a little while everything will be turned upside down.

I said you were a man of peace. I want you to know I took immense crap for that.

You are incredibly fortunate whatever success falls on you, which is what happened with me.

I'm just a sucker even talking to you guys. I should be ready to rip your heads off your necks. But it's just not the right thing to do

I can see the greed and envy in your eyes.

But I don't think anybody with any self-respect would admit to being Goth

When God speaks and we obey, we will always be right.