I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own.

A riverless silence made the air heavy.

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

Many things become clearer with the perspective of maturity gained.

Writing a teen character is something I wanted to try again for a long time!

Christina Aguilera's 'Stripped' had a lot of good songs. It's my range, so I use it to warm up a lot.

I loved Frank [O'Connor], he was wonderful...just don't get on his bad side. I don't think I would have wanted to marry him, but I probably should have since I married idiots anyway.

Wage restraint was helping businesses out and now it's not. Have we tipped over the edge? Maybe not, but the trend in wages is moving higher.

I look like this because I'm alive," Reagan said. "Because I've had experiences. Do you understand?

Americans still believe they are cut out to be successful-in everything: love, love-making, luck, luck-giving, money-making, sense-making, cancer-avoiding, clothes-wearing, car-driving, and so on.