I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

Do you have to find the evil in yourself in order to truly recognize it in the world?

I just cash in on the fact that I’m good looking, and I’ve got a nice figure and girls like me.

I want to write my life. I want to be able to write my life. You are a second away from saying it. You have no idea how much I love you.

Democrats in the contrast with Republicans, almost no matter which Republican is nominated. Because they are taking such similar positions.

Time spent with poets is never wasted.

Conclusion: better to be a thinking monk than a postmodern thinker.

All fiction is lies – if it weren’t, it would be biography, history, or reportage.

In one day the Eucharist will make you produce more for the glory of God than a whole lifetime without it.

And let the truth be your delight...Proclaim it..., but with a certain congeniality.

Day One: Still tired from the move.