I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

One word can turn into a book just as one poem should never be overlooked.

Don't read their rubbish... Read mine ☺️

I was offered $100,000 for a print. Then I woke up.

The Olympic Games of the Modern Era began in 1896 in the city of Athens.

Sarcasm doesn't suit you, Melissa,' Graham growled. 'Really? I've always thought it brings out my eyes.

I get up in the morning with an idea for a three-volume novel and by nightfall it's a paragraph in my column.

I think we had made some tremendous progress in the six months before I left.

We all have hearts.... If you have a heart, love somebody. If you have enough heart, love everybody.

To make the peaks higher. [His reason to target philanthropic funding to only the best university science departments.]

My Brother starv'd between two Walls,His Children's Cry my Soul appalls