I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I am completely dissolved in love.

My anger tempted the act of delinquency and it felt good to dabble.

Do not weep do not wax indignant. Understand.

You never stop learning. If you have a teacher, you never stop being a student.

(People) can never attain fulfillment, or sense of meaning, unless it is shared, unless it pertains to other human beings.

I happen to be a proponent of a single-payer universal health care plan.

Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.

What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you.

The cold harsh reality is that we have to balance the budget.

One of the great gifts of being a human being is that you can get rid of yourself and enter into the oneness of music.