I struggled with that notion early in my career. 'I know this is funny but nobody is laughing.' This thought occurred for years.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

God's in His heaven, alls right with the world', whispered Anne softly.

My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.

[politicians are] like toddlers arguing over who gets the candy, but with a better vocabulary and less whacking each other with toys.

Real freedom for people can only exist whenever there is security and independence.

What I always longed to do was to be able to paint like I can draw, most artists would tell you that, they would all like to paint like they can draw.

stories are the one sure way I know to touch the heart and change the world.

The only way to get back the confidence is to play and win matches. You can practise as much as you like, but you need confidence that comes from playing and winning matches.

My approach has always been rather sensual.

I know how Mesut Ozil takes penalties.

Just because something's damaged doesn't mean it shouldn't be treated with respect.' 'Ad,' Wallace said, 'it's a coffee table, not an orphan.