I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I let myself have feelings for you despite not knowing how this would end.

There are some secrets we keep because we can't bear to let them out and some because it's better to keep them in.

No matter how rich or poor you might feel, right now is the time to be generous.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

I hate with a bitter hatred the names of lentils haricots - those pretentious cheats of the appetite, those tabulated humbugs, those certified aridites calling themselves human food!

When you are born, your work is placed in your heart.

Those who stand on their toes are not steady.

Thanks are justly due for things got without purchase. [Lat., Gratia pro rebus merito debetur inemtis.]

Somebody'll be me, tomorrow or whenever. I've been doing this awhile. My time's limited. I've been doing this awhile.

I think I'm not really into the handsome, chivalrous knight; I like the bad boys.