I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

If we all die and there is no God, then it's just eternal unconsciousness, you'll never know, but if you're wrong... you'll know forever.

Get out of our schools God, get out of our textbooks God, get out of our government God, go away God, go away God, go away God, Katrina hits, God, where are you?

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth. Or, I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don't care! If they're offended by the truth, that's their issue!

Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say 'find your masculine side?' And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I'm not interested.

If God is a crutch, then atheism is a coma.

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.

The truth is supposed to hurt. That's how it lets you know you don't got it.

Good men do the most harm.

But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him And makes me poor indeed.

The celebration of one success launches a thousand more.

The tragedy of life is that people do not change.

When we teach kids to follow the rules that there’s only one right answer & to avoid mistakes at all costs, we’re resigning them to average.

I can cook a little bit. I can cook a few Spanish dishes. But, in movies, it looks like I cook much better than I cook.

Government spending reduces the capital that could be invested to serve consumers and to produce new employment opportunities.

They erase my face with a layer of pale makeup and draw my features back out.

The most dangerous thing in the world is to have no purpose.

Peace Within. Peace Without. Mi Zai