I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Television knows no night. It is perpetual day. TV embodies our fear of the dark, of night, of the other side of things.

It's fun to be liked, but when standing up for what you believe in, it's also very fun not to be liked.

You can muscle your way to the top as long as you're part of the production, which I am. I'm knitted into the money, so it's very hard to extricate me from the decision-making dynamic.

There's a lot to be said for being nouveau riche, and the Reagans mean to say it all.

I argued that the chastity of women was of much more consequence than that of men, as the property and rights of families depend upon it.

The most dangerous tendency of the modern world is the way in which bogus theories are given the force of dogma.

A huge amount of what goes on in the Middle East has to do with people being fed really bad information.

War knows no law except that of might.

My spirit life very much depends on my work. My work very much depends on my spirit life. And I pray every day, as part of my own ritual, to a god I believe in, not a god somebody else believes in.

I have to laugh internally when I'm asked in interviews what nightspots I like to hit. I just don't have answers... so sometimes I make them up.