I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

It’s all just ones and zeroes no matter where you go in the universe.

The permit limits are pretty close to what the reality is.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

I have built my life to pursue the new. I don't have family, don't know many people and I am usually ready to leave within an hour.

I really don't like being referred to as a folk artist.

No revolution can be made with silk gloves.

Peter Pan is perhaps the most important thing, to me, that I have ever done in theater.

It's nice to have some distance with your family. As long as you're closer to them by love.

Your average comedian doesn't know the podcast universe, really.

What happened to your hair, tiger? (Fang) It fell off. (Wren)