I suspect guys who say, "I just send out for a sandwich for lunch," as lazy men trying to impress me.

Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected.

A rabid sports fan is one that boos a TV set

I judge how much a man cares for a woman by the space he allots her under a jointly shared umbrella.

A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong

I can't remember ever staying for the end of a movie in which the actors wore togas.

A puck is a hard rubber disk that hockey players strike when they can't hit one another.

Rooting for the Yankees is like owning a yacht.

England produces the best fat actors.

Hockey would be a great game... if played in the mud.

...summer softens lines that winter cruelly shows...

Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book.

What makes my father different is the fact that he calls himself mad.

The degree of a country's freedom is the degree of its prosperity.

Anyone can do running. Running should be easy. It should be fun. It should include everyone. It shouldn't be a punishment for eating cheesecake, which is what we've turned it into.

All I can do is make the best of what I am, become accustomed to it, evaluate the possibilities, and take advantage of them the best I can.

If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

People love fact-based songs, which is a very funny idea.

When once a certain class of people has been placed by the temporal and spiritual authorities outside the ranks of those whose life has value, then nothing comes more naturally to men than murder.

Isn't it true that the fault of birth rests somewhat on the child? I believe it's we who led our parents on to bear us, and it's our unborn children who make our flesh itch.