I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

If people make fun of you, that probably means you're doing something right.

Maggie Dove wanted to be a beacon of light. She dreamed of being the sort of person who made others laugh, calmed crying babies, soothed wild dogs, inspired hopefulness.

A kiss is the morning dew which stand up. (Un baiser, c'est la rosée - Du matin qui s'est levé)

I speak and help some folks only because I believe they may be god in flesh, testing me for politeness.

It were no slight attainment could we merely fulfil what the nature of man implies.

Disorganizatio n is the enemy of good writing.

There actually are buildings that existed in cyberspace before they built it.

Alive without breath, As cold as death; Never thirsty, ever drinking, All in mail never clinking.

I wasn't really raised to be the type of person to have doubts.

No step taken in faith is wasted, not by a God who makes all things new.