I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

If I could not be persuaded into doing what I thought wrong, I will never be tricked into it.

Legends are lessons

The act of loving is an act of self-evolution even when the purpose of the act is someone else's growth.

The soul is swayed by the waters.

The rain washed away my pitcher's mound... I'm a pitcher without a mound... I'm a lost soul... I'm like a politician out of office." "Or a sailor without an ocean..." "Or a boy without a girl.

We are so used to seeing women as victims of war to be pitied rather than survivors of war to be respected.

Better believe that, whenever I see y'all I'ma test ya Only cause I know that faggots respect pressure

Al Qaeda is very media-savvy and very focused on what goes on in the global media.

One of the best things about directing movies, as opposed to merely writing them, is that there's no confusion about who's to blame: You are.

Freedom for the government is enslavement for the people. When the government is free the people are enslaved. When the government is contained then the people are free.