I take the subway four times a day, or close to it. I just love the subway! My grandfather worked as an electrician when they were digging the subway.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I can dance beauty into my body

Lifting your eyes from the things of this world is an activity that must begin WHERE YOU ARE.

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Before the Apocalypse, the closest I'd gotten to death was buying steaks at the supermarket.

The purpose is clear. It is safety with solvency. The country is entitled to both.

Never give up on what makes you smile

If you accept full responsibility for yourself, you will be released forever from expectation, resentment, blame and guilt.

When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil.

Anything government or politics is always exciting for me.

Most Tea Party activists consider Obama a big-spending liberal. Some even question his eligibility to be president.