I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.

Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost barely enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent.

I cook croquetas, and I eat jamon. I keep my diet 100% Mediterranean and drink my Rioja. In that sense, I have a piece of Spain in West Hollywood.

Take hold of your life and order yourself to be valiant.

Once our idea of heaven meant all the dead relatives waiting on the kept lawn of the many mansions as if, suddenly sinless, they had nothing to do.

Intoxicating joy is it for the sufferer to look away from his suffering and forget himself. Intoxicating joy and self-forgetting, did the world once seem to me.

I do not believe that any human being is fundamentally happier for being finally lost in a crowd, even if it is called a crowd of comrades.

My life is not just about the past.

Me trying to make a business around Linux would have been a total disaster.

Scientific literacy is an intellectual vaccine against the claims of charlatans who would exploit ignorance.