I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

Text, images, and video are the paint swatches of 21st-century artists — with a single catch: this form of art has to communicate, engage, and sell.

A meow massages the heart.

I had beautiful wavy hair and a waxed moustache.

Love abounds in all things, excels from the depths to beyond the stars, is lovingly disposed to all things. She has given the king on high the kiss of peace.

The earth opens impartially her bosom to receive the beggar and the prince.

There are only two kinds of pain: too much love or too little.

Envy lies between two beings equal in nature though unequal in circumstances.

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

The U.K.-U.S. defense relationship is the broadest, deepest and most advanced of any two countries, sharing military hardware and expertise.

Let the black man vote when he is fit to vote; prohibit the white man voting when he is unfit to vote.