I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Do not empower your negative thoughts by giving them “legs” so they can run around your mind, creating worries, frustrations, and anxiety in your life.

Give a man a car of his own and he leaves humility and common sense behind him in the garage.

Study the Constitution. Let it be preached from the pulpit, proclaimed in legislatures, and enforced in courts of justice.

Some of the finest moral intuitions come to quite humble people. The visiting of lofty ideas doesn't depend on formal schooling.

If criticism is needed, do it tactfully. Don't use a sledgehammer when a fly swatter will do the job.

Winning an argument with your wife is like winning the war with Iraq. Once you win, you're in even more trouble.

Life should always be like this. ... Like lingering over a good meal.

Absolutely, 'Rabbit Hole' gave me a nice first introduction into film acting.

My dad was a self-taught stride piano player. The myth is - I don't whether it's true or not - that he taught himself to play by watching a player piano.

The maps are really like a filter. They filter information for you to make better decisions on where you are going and what to do.