I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Don't walk behind me

There's always SOMEONE in support as long as he can be assured or he himself feels confident of getting, in return, SOMETHING beneficial of any sort.

The biggest change in my life is that I now have to apologize for being thin.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

I have always loved 'Stig of the Dump.' I think reading that book made me officially realise that I was a reader.

Chess is a game of understanding and not of memory.

My life is a series of dumb choices

If you're comfortable with someone, you feel creatively free. Whether it's a comedic scene or a dramatic one, you don't feel self-conscious because you feel safe with the people that you're around.

It is said that ridicule is the test of truth: it is never applied, but when we wish to deceive ourselves.

You grow weary of being treated as the enemy simply because you are not young anymore; because you dress unexceptionally.