I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

There's a weird logic that explains a common truth.

Revenge easily descends into an endless cycle of hate and violence. The Bible says never repay evil with evil.

Life is really fascinated only by death. It vibrates only when it comes in contact with death.

Strong hope is a much greater stimulant of life than any single realised joy could be.

If he's alive, everything is in his power! Whose fault is it that he doesn't understand that?

And so, you know, you can be - and I hope that I am - a thinking Muslim.

Words matter, and the right words matter most of all. In the end they're all that remain of us.

The Apple store is not a store. It is an exercise in evangelism.

Even mistakes can be wonderful.

A best friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself