I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Dreams are extremely important. You can’t do it unless you imagine it.

She'd thought there was no greater connection than destiny decreeing them joined. But there was - the choice they'd made to love each other.

An accessible introduction to the nature of political thought. Just what I always wanted.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

Nobody speaks the truth when there is something they must have.

I'm a writer. An amateur photographer. An actor.

I have always paid attention to the merits of my enemies, and found it an advantage.

It is God who creates, effects, and preserves all things through his almighty.

February days are a marketing gimmick; love happens every day.

I am nothing; nothing is everything