I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Our progress as a nation can be not swifter than our progress in education.

Until you get it that in reality you, and the enemy you hate, are identically and inseparably 'One', of a single make, you're one big silly mistake.

A man can refrain from wanting what he has not and cheerfully make the best of a bird in the hand.

Equity, dignity, happiness, sustainability - these are all fundamental to our lives but absent in the GDP.

You learn more in failure than you ever do in success

I did an episode of 'Frasier' with my friend Kelsey Grammer once.

Those blue, blue eyes, icy blue, looking back at me as if I could warm them up. They’re pretty powerful, you know, those eyes, pretty beautiful, too.

If he was a good man, how could he leave me? So he must not be a good man. But if he isn't good, then why does it hurt so much to lose him?

Even if they knew the truth of their own feelings, most mothers would be socially and emotionally incapable of revealing it.