I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Don't wait till tomorrow to start your dream. Moreover, didn't you say yesterday that you would start today?

Happiness is a feeling that can never be created without constantly reminding yourself about the things that are good in your life instead of the things that are bad about it.

Everything in life is a metaphor for everything in life." Bonnie Marlewski-Probert

Never confuse efficiency with effectiveness.

With Aerobic Strip Tease, you can do it at home - it makes it easier for women that don't want to go to the gym.

We get lost in doing, thinking, remembering, anticipating - lost in a maze of complexity and a world of problems. Nature can show us the way home, the way out of the prison of our own minds.

Each book has been different and has been challenging in its own way to write.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

You still owe me a yellow Porsche.

If you want war, nourish a doctrine. Doctrines are the most frightful tyrants to which men ever are subject.