I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

We cannot leave our children disconnected from opportunities that are designed specially for them.

If you perpetuate the dreams of the past, you stifle your own dreams of the future.

God is in control in every circumstance.

Abuse a man unjustly and you will make friends for him.

Many pray with their lips for that for which their hearts have no desire.

So, two cheers for Democracy: one because it admits variety and two because it permits criticism.

The anateur works until they get something right. The professional works until they can't go wrong.

I'm opinionated, but I'm not a vindictive person and I never say anything unprovoked, either.

I find that time constraints actually make me more productive, and "real world" experiences provide a lot of inspiration to write.

The more I accomplish, the more pressure I put on myself.