I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. It's about finding someone who matches you and will go through everything without giving up.

That’s not me. I wouldn’t [take paternity leave.] Quite frankly, I would have said C-section before the season starts. I need to be at Opening Day. I’m sorry.

If you can't take it, you won't make it.

It is sometimes easier to circumvent prevailing difficulties [in science] rather than to attack them.

I'm a very physical person. I hug people, more so than shake hands.

Trouble with mice is you always kill 'em.

Humility is not an 'added extra,' one of the lesser Christian virtues. If you don't have humility, you may be lost.

Of all the things that matter, that really and truly matter, working more efficiently and getting more done, is not one of them.

I thought that I'd have a briefcase-and-power-suit career.

Creative and action are synonymous. You can't be creative. Without taking action.