I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Cleaning with children in the house really is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

The most significant indicator that there is no disaster in Iraq is the fact that there is no exodus.

It now becomes clear why the Bush Administration has been vigorously opposing congressional hearings. The Bush Administration has been engaged in a conspiracy of silence.

Baseball outfits went through their gaudy period during the disco '70's, when the White Sox looked like softball players and the Athletics looked like 'Saturday Night Fever' personified.

A person does not hear sound only through the ears; he hears sound through every pore of his body. It permeates the entire being.

Fishing has been styled 'a contemplative man's recreation,' ... and science is only a more contemplative man's recreation.

All my life I still have found, and I will forget it never; Every sorrow hath its bound, and no cross endures forever.

When unhappy, one doubts everything when happy one doubts nothing.

College had little effect on me. I'd have been the same writer if I'd gone to MIT, except I'd have flunked out sooner.

There are mornings when everything brims with promise, even my empty cup.