I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

I think it is safe to say that while the South is hardly Christ-centered, it is most certainly Christ-haunted.

I never want to make screw-you money like the rest of the financial services industry.

WHEN YOUR HEART IS ALIVE, you are always beautiful. Always. Even in the morning.

The reason I like writing a memoir is because it isn't preachy.

If the actions used in performing sleights are visible or even suspected by the onlooker, the whole illusion of magic is destroyed.

The more people say nice things about me, the more I feel it's false.

The soul is restored through union with God.

I'd be very controversial if I said why, and I don't do controversial anymore. That's too passé. So last year. Being controversial is boring now.

It's important not to demonize [Donald's] Trump voters.

If you purify the pond, the lilies die