I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Saints and martyrs had never interested Maggie so much as sages and poets.

Freedom comes with a price while bondage takes hold without notice

Remember! When you promise someone the moon

I don’t have a body, I am a body.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

We have ... dreamed so much and observed so little, that our imaginations have grown larger than the world we live in, and our judgments have dwindled down to a point.

There are plenty of alcoholics who can be magnificent when drunk: it does not make them any less alcoholic.

Is it possible to put an end to a form of human behavior which has existed throughout history by means of photography?

One thing we can all control is effort

... the absolute freedom of woman will be the dawn of the day of man's regeneration. In raising her he will elevate himself.