I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Each night, I close my eyes and dream. In the morning, I open my eyes again, but the dreaming doesn't stop.

Life is not a game. Still, in this life, we choose the games we live to play.

Everything seems pointless since you left

I don't know the facts of when Joe Soptic's wife got sick or when she died.

I'm not a schmuck. Even if the world goes to hell in a handbasket, I won't lose a penny.

Look for all fancy wordings and get rid of themAvoid all terms and expressions, old or new, that embody affectation.

Reagan and Bush... made the world safe for hypocrisy.

Everybody knows if it's on the Internet, some brilliant hacker can get at it.

Under bad manners, as under graver faults, lies very commonly an overestimate of our special individuality, as distinguished from our generic humanity.

You see, my father was a Catholic priest, Greek Orthodox, but I think he started out as a Jew, then he became a Catholic priest.