I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

We always wanna fight about what we think are our differences, but really we are fighting contrasts of the same.

You have to go where the good writing is.

It's weird, but if I decide to do an album, then the ideas start fitting themselves together. I consider myself a nice, slow burn. Plus, it's not a race. And I have a lot to share.

There are as many mediocrities exalted through pity as masters decried through envy.

Lack of education is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive.

I know some good old gals in their 50s and 60s. All these women tell me, 'Forty to 50. Those are the hot times.' So far, you couldn't prove it by me. But hell, I'm only two years in.

No fool can play chess, and only fools do.

Whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they are going somewhere, because a man can't ride your back unless it is bent

I don't want to put a pause on the rest of my life; I'm really enjoying getting older and the wisdom that comes from that.

Art lies in conceiving and designing, not in the actual execution' - this was left for lesser minds.