I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

All our wisdom is stored in the trees.

Choosing to unconditionally love others is a path to deep joy.

The attitude in Baltimore in 1999 was almost one of resignation, that our problems were bigger than our capacity to handle them.

Listen, I have to spend every single day living with me, so I know for a fact; I'm lovely, I'm completely lovely.

My question would be whether there is active persecution of atheists.

If you live for the next world, you get this one in the deal; but if you live only for this world, you lose them both.

The worst surroundings in the world can be tolerated if the people in them are interesting and kind.

People say to me, "You make fantastic films" and I say, "No, I make documentaries.

When it comes to emotions, we all feel pain in the same way, everyone, whether you're from Istanbul or Beijing.

You know what a miracle is. Not what Bakunin said. But another world’s intrusion into this one. Most of the time we coexist peacefully, but when we do touch there’s cataclysm.