I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Time goes faster the more hollow it is. Lives with no meaning go straight past you, like trains that don’t stop at your station.

An innovative mind allows “the creative flow” to open up for information abundance.

...I might mention my belief that girls who like Woody Allen movies are nicer girls than girls who don't...

I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it's much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers that might be wrong.

The German Reich is a Republic, and whoever doesn't believe it gets one in the neck.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

Great influencers attract others.

The greatest treasures of your life are associated with the people you love and who love you in return.

If I have made a mistake in the design, then I'm the one who should pay for it. I certainly would not ask somebody else to fly a plane if I were afraid to do it myself.

Try to figure out who you really are and not who you want other people to think you are.