I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Let it not be a beautiful face,' I thought, 'but to make up for that, let it be a noble, an expressive, and, above all, an extremely intelligent one.

The destructive power of a lie is stronger than the truth.

Everything that can be created has already been done in creation. As human beings, we can only imitate, not create as such.

Genetically modified foods are really just better crops. They're more nutritious. They're more resistant to drought, pests, and that sort of thing.

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish

One unlikelihood entertained leads a parade of innovation.

A good dog never dies. He always stays. He walks besides you on crisp autumn days when frost is on the fields and winter's drawing near. His head is within our hand in his old way.

Companies operating in urban communities have a tremendous ripple effect.

The heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close.

Justice is the one thing you should always find.